Hello @lizny I like your handle, Sunshine! I'm Scott and I was my wife's caregiver during her 14+ year war with brain cancer. She passed away two years ago now, but I still grieve, miss her, and am working on adjusting to this different life.

I first found Mayo Connect when I was struggling with the intense isolation that came with caregiving and continue to find this community fills a post-caregiving need in my life. Good to e-meet you here!

I hate the fact there is so many feelings of guilt among us caregivers. I hate it, but I understand it. We, as caregivers, can never do everything that lays before us. Our patient is #1, then everything else seems to fall to #99! There is always something more for us to do that is undone, something next, be it dirty laundry, food, dishes, the dust bunnies who became our new pets in our house, etc. Plus for me there are those times I think back to the day I lost my temper, said something I still regret, cried in front of her when I shouldn't have. It is a tough row to hoe, but I believe caregivers should take great pride in their accomplishments!

Personally, I don't believe my life is a 'new normal'. I believe my life after caregiving is a 'different life'. It is just different, never to be the normal I knew before. We were married for 41 years so maybe after the next 41 I will feel different, but I certainly don't at this point in the post-caregiving journey.

One of the things I did to help myself was to begin a personal 'to do list'. I began this while caregiving as I listed some things I would need to do whenever I could in the future. I kept this running list and still do to this day. It always gives me something to look forward to, something on the horizon, etc. I also never mark off an accomplishment when I've done it without adding a new one to the bottom. So my list always continues and holds future items. Some are tiny -- call a friend of old, write a card to someone, etc. Others were larger such as go to see our children's homes, which I never was able to do when I was caregiving, visit the two friends who were incredibly supportive during my wife's illness to say 'thank you' in person, repair the gouges in our walls from the wheelchair 'accidents', etc. One of them was to learn to bake bread, which was something I always wanted to do. This won't be for everyone, but it helped me and continues to.

I also play music all the time now, which was too disruptive and confusing for my wife while she was ill. I still do not like total quiet in the house!

Do you think any of these might be a help?

Strength, courage, and peace

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