Stress/Anxiety/Insomnia/Memory Issues

Hi @gingerw, Yeah, my wife had asked me to move back in, repeatedly, and I finally relented around Thanksgiving. The depression is so much better with the ketamine infusions, which I do every three months now. So the marriage was going well again for several months. We did things each of us liked. And then it started going back to the way it was before. I would suggest something other than a walk or hike, she would say no and go in to watch TV. I would join her for a few shows but really wasn't into trying to figure out what was going on in a series that she had started on her own or that she had watched several shows while I wasn't there. Our daughter would suggest something other than a hike or a walk and get the same results. This went on for several months until I stopped suggesting hikes or walks. We essentially stopped doing things together. Our daughter and I would spend time together, work on homework, do projects, go to karate, and play games. My wife came in about a month and a half ago and said she was moving out, the marriage wasn't working. I said OK. Several fights later, more gaslighting of both me and our daughter, lying that she was going to do something for our daughter, and now we are finally working on the divorce. We are trying mediation but on the first session she accused me of hiding a pension for the last 17 years. I had to reach out to my HR department to find out how to show that I don't actually have a pension and I have been paying into a 403(b), which she has seen and knows the current value. There are a lot of other issues that have come to light in the past month as well. Except for the time I spent with my daughters (older one came home from the Peace Corp) I regret moving back in. I should have started the divorce procedures and gotten a place of my own.

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Hi @gingerw, Yeah, my wife had asked me to move back in, repeatedly, and I finally relented around Thanksgiving. The depression is so much better with the ketamine infusions, which I do every three months now. So the marriage was going well again for several months. We did things each of us liked. And then it started going back to the way it was before. I would suggest something other than a walk or hike, she would say no and go in to watch TV. I would join her for a few shows but really wasn't into trying to figure out what was going on in a series that she had started on her own or that she had watched several shows while I wasn't there. Our daughter would suggest something other than a hike or a walk and get the same results. This went on for several months until I stopped suggesting hikes or walks. We essentially stopped doing things together. Our daughter and I would spend time together, work on homework, do projects, go to karate, and play games. My wife came in about a month and a half ago and said she was moving out, the marriage wasn't working. I said OK. Several fights later, more gaslighting of both me and our daughter, lying that she was going to do something for our daughter, and now we are finally working on the divorce. We are trying mediation but on the first session she accused me of hiding a pension for the last 17 years. I had to reach out to my HR department to find out how to show that I don't actually have a pension and I have been paying into a 403(b), which she has seen and knows the current value. There are a lot of other issues that have come to light in the past month as well. Except for the time I spent with my daughters (older one came home from the Peace Corp) I regret moving back in. I should have started the divorce procedures and gotten a place of my own.

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@mandrake70 I am so sorry to hear that things did not work out for you and your wife. No doubt it is pretty draining emotionally for everyone involved with the situation, including friends you have in common. Do you have a trusted person to confide in, to "bounce" thoughts off of, nearby? As @lolaemma said, keeping routines is good for you right now, and exercise can benefit you physically and mentally. How are your daughters doing through all this? Stick with the mediation, keep a calm head about you, and know we are here for you.
Ginger

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@gingerw Thanks. I have several friends in the area and a few distant ones too that I talk with about things. We don't actually have that many friends in common. She doesn't enjoy the things my friends do and I have only met her local friends a few times. My daughters are doing fairly well. My eldest, who is 24 and on her own, got annoyed with me a few days ago when I wouldn't go into detail about the issues that her mother and I are having. She feels I should tell her everything and not try to protect her. I've talked to a few of my friends about some of the things I won't tell my daughter and they agreed I shouldn't bring them up. Ever. We did talk about a few things but there are a lot of things that she really doesn't need to know her mother has done. My other daughter is 15 and still at home. We talk daily about books, school, mental health, games, TV shows, martial arts, and a D&D campaign that she is writing. We talk a little bit about how her mental health is but I don't push on that topic. She sees a therapist every two weeks and that has been going well. I am also helping her learn to drive right now. No damage to the car yet! Neither of the girls were surprised when they were told we were getting a divorce. My eldest had been suggesting it for awhile and had kept asking what I needed to be happy. I brought our youngest out so the three of us could talk together about it. My wife called our eldest on her own to tell her later in the day. 30 seconds after my wife hung up the phone my daughter called to ask if I was OK.
All in all, I am doing OK.

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@mandrake70 I hope that in the end, you will realize that you tried everything you could, and that you were instrumental in keeping your younger daughter on an even keel through it all. Children can "see" and understand a lot more than we realize. Your actions now will also educate her on the type of partner she will be happy with, someone who was fair and looked at everything. You're right, too, in not sharing everything about the struggles between your wife and you, to your children. Be gentle on yourself, especially on those darkest days. Don't be afraid to reach out individually yourself, for professional help if you feel it would benefit. Many do, and it can make a world of difference.
Ginger

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@lolaemma, Thank you. I know I need to get an attorney since I don't expect to get treated fairly by my wife at this point. The mediation will probably fail if she keeps up with the BS like the pension demand. I have karate with my daughter again tonight plus I run each morning. Definitely doing my best there.

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@mandrake if you are living in a community property state your wife entitled to half of your pension depending on mitigating factors. I'm defending myself in a divorce although my pension would be split but we weren't married until more than half into my paying into my pension. It will depend on custody etc. Don't hesitate protect yourself. I had a choice of calling the police when he started hurting me but I knew although I put more into our home his refusal to perform even standard repairs I would leave with nothing. My situation is different than most. I stuck it out until the house was renovated.Eventhough I wss
the primary earner. Fortunately I got advice since I wasn't still in the same state. A lawyer is your advisor after your doctor. Take care of yourself and try to keep your child mentally sound. Make sure her mother doesn't.get the opportunity to affect her. Sorry you didn' t ask but when you mentioned a pension an alarm went off.

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@mandrake70 My experience with ECT treatments is that there is some long term memory loss but it does come back. That was one of my concerns but went through treatments anyway because depression is so bad and medication resistant. Be patient with yourself.

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