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Anxiety Will End Me
I’m 17 years old and I don’t know if I’m going to live to be 25. I’m not talking about suicide, I’m talking about my anxiety. I have emetophobia which is the fear of throwing up. I’ve been restricting my diet for the last two years to only pasta and chips. I want to do better and eat healthier, but it feels impossible. I am not brave enough to make a move and I wish my mom cared enough to help me make that move. I know I should be able to make the move myself, but it feels impossible. I’m in therapy but I’m not sure if it’ll help with this. My mind won’t let go of the anxiety. I’m scared my diet will kill me. I’m scared I’m going to die. The way I am living makes me not care if I die. I want to get better but I feel like I can’t do it. Like I’m not capable of it. I know there’s other stuff that’s more serious on these forums. Some people are unable to eat due to chemotherapy or other medical issues. I’m able to eat. I feel selfish for not eating and I’m dumb for not being able to shake this anxiety. I feel trapped in my brain. My doctor won’t take me seriously and has always pointed out how underweight I am. I am aware of it and hate it. My mom won’t find me a new doctor and I’ve found a new one before and she never called them. It’s so hard to go anywhere because I’m so anxious. I’m considering going back on medication again which was hydroxyzine. I just don’t like how at first it makes me feel so sleepy and out of control. I fear throwing up because I’m not sure why it’s happening and I’m out of control of what’s going on. I can’t do anything because I hate being out of control. I just feel like no one cares or takes me seriously. I go to online school because of this. I’ve wasted my teen years being anxious and depressed. I’ve isolated myself and made myself socially awkward because of my phobia. I hate myself for it. Anytime I talk out loud about my feelings I end up laughing a little or smiling because I’m not used to anyone taking me seriously and I’d really like to tell my therapist how I feel helpless and stuff about it but I don’t want to cry in front of her. I don’t know. It’s hard. I don’t want to die.
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@ineedhope Being honest is a start. 17 can be difficult enough and having the fear of food causing you to throw up thus consisting on such a bland diet with limited nutrition cannot be comfortable for you. Must be lonely as well as scary.
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4 Reactions@ineedhope We're glad you chose to come to our cyber table and share. That is a big step. Can you show your therapist what you have written to us? Is there another trusted adult you can speak honestly to, and voice your concerns, who will talk to your mom?
Please, we would like to help however we can. Living on such a restricted diet is so hard.
Ginger
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3 ReactionsYou are so eloquent and talented expressing yourself in writing. Sometimes it's easier to communicate the things we feel most deeply through writing. Use that ability with the key people you're dealing with -- your mom, doctor and therapist. In writing you'll be able to express yourself without the crying you're worried about and you can't be interrupted. You'll be able to finish what you need to say, all of it. You need to make yourself heard with them the way we heard you. There are other options but I think starting with the people already in your life and giving them the opportunity to really hear what you need is your first step. Keep in touch. The people here are very caring and supportive. As you take the next step you aren't alone. We're all here cheering you on.
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4 ReactionsThank you for your response. It is scary and lonely. I’m glad I found this forum. Everyone is very supportive and sensitive, I love it.
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3 ReactionsMy mom is dismissive towards this. Last night I asked her if I could go back on my anxiety medication, hydroxyzine. I was going to talk with her more about how I feel, but she kind of showed me away so she could watch a movie. Whenever I do talk with her she begins to talk about how depressed she is. I’d love to listen to her and support her but I’ve been told that she shouldn’t talk to me about that stuff since she’s my mom? She also told me she’s my friends too which means she can talk to me about anything. I’m 17 and smart with emotional stuff, but that seems confusing to me. I don’t think it’s true or right for her to say that.
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2 ReactionsThank you for your response. It is definitely easier for me to communicate through writing. Your kindness means a lot to me. I did show my therapist something I wrote two weeks ago. I go each week, but because of Halloween it was canceled this week. I hope to be able to talk with her about this and how I truly feel this upcoming week. I’ll most likely be posting here again since it’s such a beautiful environment.
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3 Reactionsineedhope. Please do stay in touch. There is great support here and we do care how you are doing. Keep working on getting the help you need. It's there. Sometimes it just takes some effort and bravery to find it. We're sending good thoughts your way for next week's appointment.
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3 ReactionsThank you so much. I hope you have a great upcoming week.
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