I wish I could wave a magic wand and help you feel better about this stage of life. At age 91 I have gone through all the transitions after my husband's death 12 years ago and eventually found light at the end of the sadness tunnel. How can I help you to find the sunshine that is now part of my life?

@johnsonk I am sad for how you are feeling. Does being able to work help at all? Once I could no longer work my life seemed even more worthless. I have only ever had one "true" human friend. I have had several of the quadruped type. I do miss having a pet, but health prevents thus so I settle for house plants. I have adult children nearby and I do not let them know how depressed or how much physical pain I am in. They have their lives and I don't ever want them to know how pathetic I feel. When needed I can muster up the "happy" face and push past the physical pain. I do enjoy time with my grand children.
Guess some of this sounds pathetic and I do not mean for it to be dismal. I held up emotionally until my body gave out. Stuff happens and I tell myself that there are others in worse shape than I am.
Glad you have your dog as a pet can be a form of motivation as well as going to work. Feeling empty is a sad place for many of us.

@ladybugmg Just by knowing someone else understands. I am 66 and seems I wore my body out being a people pleasing person. Looking back I can see that I was a fool thinking such behavior would mean friends. The world is full of users and abusers. There are also a lot of folks whom are not. At 65 I finally learned I can say "no" without giving a reason. Thankful for this lesson learned. If wishes were horses beggars would ride. Thank you for some sunshine.

@parus I'm sorry that you don't let your children know how you're feeling. I have a hunch that may be why you feel lonely and useless. When others are only allowed (by us) to see only our faked smile or acted good will, we will feel hollow and invisible. That's because others don't know who we really are. The fear is always that if they really knew, they might not love or accept the feelings we have. Many of us live our lives being invisible to those around us because we have learned that we shouldn't be a burden to them. Sharing our feelings with others isn't necessarily a burden for them.

My experience is that in many ways you are "cheating" your family out of the opportunity to know you deeply and to help you. A few years ago my stepson was very upset when he found his mother in the shower where she had died. She had been dead for 3 days. She never told him that she had congestive heart failure and her doctor had told her she had about 18 months to live. She moved from California to Virginia to be with her son, his wife and grandson until she died. No one knew why she moved suddenly at the age of 56. Following her death my stepson was very angry that she hadn't told him. He said he would have spent more time with her and not resented her "butting into" his life suddenly as he had done. He felt cheated out of knowing who she really was. He still carries that burden. I'm sure if his mother had known how not letting him in on her illness would end up making him feel, she would have done things differently.

I will even go so far as to suggest that perhaps one of the reasons you feel depressed is because you haven't let others close to you see and know the real person you are. You may believe they won't accept you as you are. So, they only know the "act" you let them see. I did that in the past, and I was very depressed. It wasn't until I was willing to be vulnerable and let others into my world that I began to heal. I did this with the help of my talk therapist.

I hope there will be something that will help you find the ladder to climb out of the deep hole you talk about being in. You are right that there is no reward for taking care of others, except for the feelings of love and satisfaction you generate from doing a kindness for another person. That is the only reward, and you are the one who gives that to you. I have found that I must BRING happiness with me to situations; I can't expect to GET happiness from them. So, now I only do things for others that I feel good about doing and I have no expectations about being rewarded for any good I may have done.

@gailb You make some good points about sharing our pain with others. We are all wired differently and for some of us "baring our souls" can seem like a frightful experience (although it is cathartic and leads to healing).

For many, this Connect group offers anonymity. We can be open and share. It allows us to "test the waters" of being vulnerable and see what happens. I'm just wondering how many people share here on Connect for that very reason.

Teresa

@gailb I learned the hard way to not others know how I feel. I received the negative feedback and asking for help long ago pretty much destroyed my life. So much of the truth I did not know and no family wants or need to know. I tried to explain the fibromyalgia thing and was accused of making excuses, feeling sorry for myself, etc-no way will I mention depression nor any thing other than the Elizabeth Barrett Browning Tra-la-la attitude. I am not one to go places with a sad hound dog look. I put on a happy face as I don't want anyone else knowing the darkness within. As to family-there is nothing any family member can do and I am NOT my family's responsibility. I spend time with the grand children when I can or when needed to hold the fort and I enjoy doing so.
I read your words and I do take happiness where I go. No one else can make me happy. Happiness comes from within. As to being vulnerable? No more. When I do things for others I am NOT looking for rewards. I have learned I have to use caution because I was being too vulnerable and others used me. Took me a long time to realize that people pleasing is an emotional death sentence.
Even the therapist was out of suggestions-I even failed at therapy. Doesn't get much worse.
When others see the real person they think they seeing they start asking me to do art work for them because I am a friend. I do live surrounded my neighbors that will be users. Got tired of the materialistic needs of others-I did not take them to raise!!
Dismounting soapbox. Most of the time being a recluse is far safer. I do this by choice. When it comes to my adult children I will help if they need it. I am thankful they are all doing well enough. they also grew up in abuse and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

@parus First, let me apologize for the tone of my last post to you. I had edited it, but that version was apparently lost and didn't get posted. This version was abrupt and preachy, for that I apologize.

I'm sorry to read that you have been through the suggestions I made and found nothing that helped you. I feel for where you are and what your life must feel like at times. I'm also sorry you and your children have experienced abuse in your lives. I'm happy you have the Mayo Connect online where you can express the dark feelings with which you struggle. I've seen your posts on the Chronic Pain thread, so I'm sure pain adds to your depression and depression adds to your pain. I don't know where you live, but I read a research study today that showed the use of a small amount of opioid with the addition of a small amount of Marijuana was very effective at reducing chronic pain. The combination of small doses of each was far more effective than either alone. Perhaps this will be helpful in your search for relief from both depression and pain. It may be worth checking out, and might be an alternative your doctor would consider.

I also want to recommend a book I read several years ago. It was recommended to me and I found it insightful. It is, Age-ing to Sage-ing : A Revolutionary Approach to Growing Older, by Zalman Schachter-Shalomi. It's available on Amazon and is available as an E - book that can be downloaded to a Kindle type reader. It expanded my vision of growing older. In fact, I just ordered it again as an E-book since I have lost track of the hardcover book. I will search for a link to the research study I just referenced as well.

Thanks,
Gail,
Volunteer Mentor

@hopeful33250 Thank you for your comments and insight into sharing anonymously on Connect. Of course you are correct. This is a safe and supportive place for people to express what's going on with them. I have apologized for my rather abrupt response to Parus. I had edited the version that got published, but apparently it was lost. I appreciate your support for members.

Gail,
Volunteer Mentor

@gailb Hi Gail,

I am sure that your first post was meant to offer some new thoughts and encouragement. For some, however, it is difficult (and undoubtedly seems impossible) to make that kind of change in thinking. I know that your motives were good and you were trying to be helpful! You are definitely an encourager.

Teresa

Age-ing and Sage-ing is a wonderful book. I used it years ago to help me through a trying period in my life.