@lizzyj58
Just lost the reply I was trying to send. Dang, sometimes I hate this little screen on my phone!!!!

Will try again tomorrow tomorrow. Sorry.

Sending you much ❤️

@lizzyj58 Thank you.

@lizzyj58

So here I am again this morning. While my coffee is brewing, I shall try again to send the reply I was trying to send you before I "lost" it to the world of glitches.

I was just going to say that I had to position myself somewhere between being an annoying "Pollyanna" and a depressing "Eeyore" from Winnie the Pooh coping with all the waiting and trying to live with what, at times, feels like an impossible challenge. I hate the conventional expression of "staying positive". To me, being "positive" is not in accepting bad news, especially when it involves health information. Rather, I believe that good comes from good and bad comes from bad; so, when we are told "bad" news . . . for me, it's an invitation to "fight" for a good outcome . . . or as "good" as I can make it. How much more "positive" could that be? At least that's how I look at it. Sitting around and waiting for an answer or a solution to come to me in some sort of "bolt of lightning" (something that, probably, will never materialize) doesn't work for me. When I'm told something "bad", I'm "positive" it will suck. So, rather than hum myself into some sort of mantra that everything will be okay if I just "accept" it, I start looking for ways to turn things around and look for every cotton-picking thing I can find to cope with it that will make us both feel better . . . Here are a few examples that have helped us through some of the toughest times.

1) Flavored coffee
2) Bubble baths
3) Chocolate
4) Clean sheets
5) Sites like these, looking for tips, suggestions and support to help us through
6) Long walks
7) A glass of wine (or two)
8) Music (Foo Fighters and Led Zepplin are my personal favorites)
9) Finding out as much as I can about whatever "they" tell us

Things like that . . . things that will help me help that special someone I love

I've learned to set certain limits, though . . . something I wish I had decided years ago. If I don't think I can possibly take another day of doing stuff and I'm exhausted from all the worrying and trying to sleep on a lumpy cot next to my husband's hospital bed (which was usually the case when he was at his sickest), I've decided that, should those things start happening again . . . well, I just won't. Fast forward from 20 years ago . . . I've decided to go home, recharge and take advantage of some of those things I mentioned.

A modicum of peace, a place where I don't "accept" poop but look for ways to "fight" it, even in the midst of despair, is a place I wish I had discovered 20 years ago. Disappointing, disturbing information has just become part of our lives that I can't say I "accept" or ever will. I've decided that wishing it away is a waste of energy. I've decided it's okay to hate it . . . wherever it comes from and embrace those things that make it easier to bear, wherever THAT comes from.

Life is hard sometimes but if I give it my all to try and turn things around with every fiber I have inside of me, then I find the peace I long for that helps me wake up the next day with hope.

I feel most "effective" when I put myself in that place somewhere in the middle between the ponies and rainbows where I drop like a cannonball when we get devastating news and walking around feeling like I'm in a dark cave. That may not work for everyone but 20+ years (and counting) of this rollercoaster has landed me here . . . somewhere in that middle spot between lulling myself into a state of delusion and becoming totally depressed all the time.

I, also, came to realize that everyone is dealing with something. It may not feel like that sometimes, when I'm at the drug store filling a prescription for a serious illness and everyone else is happily meandering around with smiles on their faces while I'm in a state of worry and despair . . . but they are. It just doesn't seem that way when your world stops and everyone else seems so "happy".

I wish you and everyone else who finds themselves dealing with all that confounded waiting and worry all the time, all the best. We are all in the same boat really . . . you are not alone!

Okay . . . time for that morning coffee.

Love to all!