I struggle with wanting to die everyday

There is a thread under Depression about a johns hopkins regarding a study addressing the use psilocybin for treating depression in a clinical setting.

Peace be with you.

@erline14, I am very sad to read how overwhelmed you are with depression, I truly know how you are feeling, whatever the reasons are for your pain is not clear, you mentioned health issues and this can definitely affect your mental health, it’s what I suffer from. I see that you moved your home to be closer to your children and it isn’t helping, I think it’s pretty rare these days but some people get lucky with family support. Perhaps after the ECT treatment you may notice a change because it’s the fastest way to break through the depression cycle, you might have to stay on medication to keep it under control. Please keep on trying to stay healthy because you deserve to live your best life and nothing else is acceptable, I’m 74 and a cancer survivor for 5 years, I am happy to be alive but believe me when I say this, I’m struggling just like you to get through this life, I also talk to God and sometimes I can really feel the help I need, sending you strength and comfort to see you through this, amen.

@earline14, you are more precious in the sight of God than you could ever imagine. "You are fearfully and wonderfully made"(the Psalms). "I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper and not to harm you"(Jeremiah). "For God so loved YOU that he gave his one and only son for you"(john 3:16). Don't throw away that gift. "Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs). Have faith. It's what keeps us going when we can't see a way forward. I hope all your fellow commenters will say a prayer for you today.

@heisenberg34 Amen

@earline14, your last line "I do not want to hurt my children by ending my life but I feel I can't go on." reminded me of a discussion that @jimhd posted quite some time ago here:
- I survived suicide attempts https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/i-survived-suicide-attempts/

Jim also writes about his concern for those he would leave behind, especially his wife. He continues to give and get support here on Connect, like this short but important message https://connect.mayoclinic.org/comment/1023275/ I quote:
"Hour by hour, minute by minute. That's how we do life.

When I was deeply suicidal I would set goals for staying alive. Starting out I'd promise myself to be safe for another hour. Then, safe until tomorrow. It took me a long time to get beyond that. Eventually I could commit to staying alive until an event a few weeks away. That was a big milestone for me."

@earline14, how are your electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) sessions going? How are you doing today?

Earline I am praying for you.

@earline14

Are you male or female?

What is ECT and IOP? I am not familiar with the acronyms.

I am in my 50s and a single parent of a teen and have no family or support system. I am disabled so every day is challenging as I deal with chronic pain/weakness due to spinal cord/spine issues and multiple surgeries. I have been where you are. I felt like I didn’t want to live more than I wanted to die.

Have they recommended an inpatient treatment program? My doctor wanted to put me in one of I showed signs of wanting to end it. Luckily, I have tried different medications, counseling, etc. that has helped me at least get out of bed. There was a time I just wanted to stay in bed most of the day. It has taken 2 long years to stabilize my mood and get me out of bed. I now have a least some interest in doing more around my house and of course sinners to care for my son and dogs/cats.

Are you close with your adult children and do they know your struggles? If you could go back to where you lived before, would you? It sounds like you expected more involvement with your children but reality is different. That is unfortunate. Do you think your new friends distanced themselves from you due to your mental health struggles?

What does your doctor and psychologist/psychiatrist recommend to help you see a light at the end of the tunnel? How long have you tried therapy and medications? Sometimes, it can take a long time to get to the right dosage and combination of medications.

I found treatment with ketamine helpful for major depression.

@earline14, just checking in. It's been a while since you posted. The sun has finally come out in my neck of the woods after several rain days (which we needed). I'm happy for sun this weekend.
What's the weather doing where you are?

Google https://nowmattersnow.org/