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Telling family members about my husbands Alz.
Caregivers: Dementia | Last Active: 10 hours ago | Replies (13)Comment receiving replies
My husband has demanded i don't tell people. Thats hard in itself. I discretely tell some friends because i need the support. Alot of his toxic behavior is behind closed doors, like anger and talk about not wanting to be around any more which is addressed in counseling, period. I have leaned into the family. Specifically my grown children. Because of his issues and behaviors, the parents of our two grandchildren (ages 6 and 9) have basically said we can no longer have the kids in our care when my husband is present for they are concerned their children will be traumatized or it could be unsafe because of my husband's unpredictability. I am crushed because I have such a close bond with our grands, but when husband is around our son in law feels us having the kids and me dealing with the active kids and needing to monitor my husband around them is too much. My husband blurts, some emotional and prudent filters have declined and he's impulsive and angers easily and forgets. I'm broken hearted as I deal with his dementia and now deal with the boundaries around the joy of my life, my grandchildren. I feel a lot of grief. Sometimes it feels like a tsunami washing over me. I think I need to reaccess the trajectory I see life taking me. Feel so much loss. And my brother died this month having battled cancer for a year. 💔 I have tools to use and support and faith, yet I admit the burden I feel.
Replies to "My husband has demanded i don't tell people. Thats hard in itself. I discretely tell some..."
I've been visiting this site for a while now and I'm struck by something that you bring up. Lots of us caregivers seem so, well, nice, willing to do whatever it takes, still full of the love that was once in full bloom. But things change a lot when someone has dementia and I, for one, am not always nice or willing to do whatever it takes. At first I was angry and blamed my husband for his behaviors. Once I realized that he has a disease (or whatever you want to call it), I stopped being angry and am chronically sad. He's still functional, still drives, talks to everyone he meets and repeats the same "stories" over and over ad nauseum. I'm irritated but try not to show it and just be as nice as I can be. If he were angry and yelled at me, I don't think, well, I know, I couldn't take it. My plan is to care for him at home for as long as possible but when things get too tough, I'll have to find another solution, especially as I've been diagnosed with an aortic aneurysm and am supposed to avoid stress. I know other spouses who are in a similar situation. We're all struggling. When I look at others, I think, Well, do something whether your spouse wants you to or not. I think we have to make some hard choices, despite what our impaired spouse might want. This is terribly hard. I can't bring myself to stop my husband from driving--yet. For now my husband is affectionate and helpful, but he's losing ground and I don't know where we'll be in a year. My brother-in-law was visiting us last week and he told me I'm suffering more than my husband is. Who knows? But I do know this isn't easy and I'm not a saint.
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I feel for you. It is good that you can express how you feel and that you allow yourself to grieve.
I’m so sorry about the loss of your brother and the feeling of loss of your relationships.
Most important is that you not lose yourself. You are still a wife, mother, grandmother, sister and more. But also the caregiver of someone with a disease you can’t talk about. Yet the behaviors tell otherwise.
It is important that your children know what is going on with their father because you need their support.
I understand his anger and outbursts are not good for the children, but your grown children may need to explain to the grandchildren about the grandfathers condition.
In the meantime I hope you visit the grandchildren and can be with them yourself.
Everybody knows my husband has cognitive impairment. Our kids and grandkids all know. Our youngest grandchild is 11. She plays brain games with my husband and the others just smile and listen when he tells stories over and over or acts confused.
But I spend days out with them and go out for meals with them without my husband many times.,
This is so hard. I’m losing my husband and partner little by little and go in and out of the stages of grief.
This is hard. I hope you continue to seek support and people to talk to and to talk about this with.
Thank you for writing at such a hard time.