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What is the best way to be supportive of my son with cancer.
This has been very frustrating. He is 26 now and we are very close. About 2 years ago he has had three tumors removed / diangosed with stomach cancer. He has refused chemo and radiation. He has insurance (BC/BS) but it doesn't cover the treatments. He says he wouldn't get them anyway. He hates to talk about it and refuses for me to go with him to the doctor for his regular tests to see if there is cancer in his system again (PET SCAN?) Most all I know I found out on the Mayo Clinic site since he would talk about it with me. He said he cannot deal with keeping it together if he has to worry about how I am too). He doesn't want to cause me any more pain than is necessary. He doesn't want to be 'THAT KID WITH CANCER". Lately he has been really on edge and I think it has come back and he knows it because he hasn't been feeling well again and doens't want to go back to the cancer doctor. His insurance has raised his rates twice in the last few months because he has refused to get the chemo / radiation. He had to get another job since it is almost 300.00 a month now. I can't help him financially since I broke my back in a car accident (black ice) and get only $465.00 mth SSI. I cherish each day and don't fight with him about the treatments. It is his life, his decision and he quality of life - he made that very clear to me. How can I be supportive in a positive way without asking questions? There are so many variables so I honestly have no idea what he has been told, how bad it is, what his prognosis is, etc. He has changed his life - forgives everyone for everything, spends all his time with family and friends, tries to maintain contact with his absent father and goes to every concert he can when his bands come to town.... Living every day to the fullest and enjoying life. All that is good but it is all the questions and uncertainty that flood over me at night that is making me sick inside. I put on a brave face but when I'm alone... well, I've cried myself to sleep more nights than I want to admit. It has been just the three of us - Him, his brother - 24 - and me for many years - we are all very close. I want to believe it is going to be ok - but I've seen too much death in my family of young people - the fear is always there. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. I do know I'm not alone in this - way too many Mothers are losing sons... I can grieve later if it comes to that but in the meantime - I need to make his life as good as I can.
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Wow - what a warm and honest response! I am grateful you took the time to share with me and be encouraging. I will pray for your father, you and the rest of your family as we all travel this road... My God bless you and yours for your kindness - HUGGS!
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1 ReactionGarry - you put things in prespective and clearly know what you are talking about. After watching several family members and friends with cancer - get the treatments - suffer so much from them and then die quickly - I totally understand Zane's decision. I remember saying that that was what I would want to do if ever faced with the same circumstances. I just asked him today if he was still feeling good about his decision and he said yes. I'm so glad that my son and I have such a great relationship that we CAN talk about things open and honestly. I never was much of a game player anyway and this isn't the time to start. I just didn't want to look back later and in hind-sight - see what I could have done better. As it is now - I'm doing the very best I can and i guess that is all each of us can ever do in any situation. I want to thank you for you heartfelt advice. I will add you to my list for prayers and trust that God will bless you for your willingness to reach out and help others even though you are dealing with so much yourself. Thank you!
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1 ReactionJRPR - my heart goes out to you as you have dealt with your mother's seeming lack of interest in you. It is very hard for a person to grow up loving themselves when the people who brought us into this world don't seem to value us enough to treat us like a person. You have taken that situation though and make sure it stopped in your generation! I'm so proud of you for that! You have made SURE that your children never feel that from you... You are the kind of person who betters the next generation by giving of yourself. It is hard to provide something to someone else when you have not experienced it yourself - but you have broken that mold and enriched your childrens' lives. 🙂 The things you said about my situation were excellent points and I thank you for your generous input. 🙂 I'm proud of what you have done and value your opinion.
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1 ReactionThis forum is the first one I have ever been on! Generally these things (cancer) are too complicated to give justice in such a limited agenda. But as to the emotional side I will say quite frankly that I handle it well. I look normal except for weight loss (about 30 pounds) so people tend to not know I am sick. But believe me, sometimes I am sick - very sick. But I do not whine. But other than having to come face to face with my mortality in decisions I make, I don't let it bother me much. Staying busy is the best way to not dwell on it so as long as I can I will stay active. I guess the only advice I can give, for what little its worth, is don't make a big emotional issue out of it. I think that ability comes from acceptance of death. None of us get out of this life alive. Is that really so bad? We have always known from the time we were aware of such things that this life will end eventually, so the situation is not new, just more apparent and immediate.So I hope for the best and live a full life. I am trying to show family, especially my children, by example how a strong person deals with adversity. I may or may not die before others I know but one thing is certain - we will all see our lives end eventually. So why grieve over something we have always known will eventually happen? All my best.
Hello,
I am so sorry for your families worries. As a mother, I know that no matter how old our children aye they will always be our babies. My advice to you would be to make sure you're being extra good to yourself because if you are not it will be even more difficult to be supportive. Just be you, the mom you have always been and tell him how much you love him and are proud to have him as your son. Tell you you will always be there for him and ask him if there's anything you can do that you have not already done. The mere fact that he knows you love him and want to be supportive anyway you can should ease some of his worries. He is blessed to have you and vice versus. You can also ask him if some type of support group for him or both of you would be helpful. Just make sure you're being good to yourself because he needs you to be strong.....easier said than. Done.
god bless your family
In prayer Rox
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