My son's narcissistic behavior and our father/son relationship

I feel for you, unfortunately, in your situation having to establish some boundaries with your son may result in his retaliation. Withholding your granddaughter from you may be a price you pay for keeping your sanity. Maybe you can find some middle ground so as not to provoke him to further anger which may result in you not seeing your granddaughter at all. That would be a true tragedy but something that a real narcissistic man will do for revenge. He will try to hurt you in any way he can and the more he believes it will hurt you, that is where he will focus his energy. Don't make the mistake of allowing him to manipulate you into exposing your weaknesses, if he hasn't already done so. Don't let him know how much it is killing you not to spend time with your granddaughter. he will just use it against you. maybe you can find a therapist that can help you because you need to tread lightly or else. Sorry to say, I know these personality types all too well. Best of luck.

Thank you for your advice. He already has established that we won't see her at all. Question: We still have Christmas gifts for her and I want my wife to go ahead and give them to my son. She says "no", that she will give them to the granddaughter when we get to see her. It is scary to imagine what movie my son is presenting to our granddaughter and his wife , our daughter in law. She isn't speaking to us either. I truly appreciate the insights you might offer.

This does not sound like Narcissistic behavior. This sounds like an emotional deregulation issue. One that may be bpd. Boundaries,tough love skills are adding fuel to his internal fire;his emotional sensitive system. The rages are one in which they use to kill this pain inside of themselves. Validation techniques are very helpful in interactions with ones with ES..bpd. I can assure you this "looks" very much like this issue. I have studied this for the last 20 years. You need to first get educated about this disorder.(do not label or tell him he has this..this is the worst ave. to go down..its a very old,stigmatized label)…The many schools of thought that are thrown out there is "just not effective"..and make no sense. Get a book called When Hope is Not Enough by Bon Dobbs. This behavior seems to look like one of narcissim but its actually at the very opposite end of the spectrum of personalities. This is a lack of inner self-esteem,and impulse control.over their emotions..They feel empty.

I just read up on this. The article I read mentioned that this is sometimes associated with child abuse or brain injury. At about 14-18 months we were riding bikes with L. in a baby seat...no helmet...back then nobody wore helmets, seat belts...anything. Anyway his mother hit a rock, fell and L's head impacted a rock. He had a "compressed radial skull fracture" on the right side. The x-ray looked like a classic spider web with the center at the impact point. The Doctor kept us over night and advised us that he seemed to be fine and that his skull would heal and as an adult you wouldn't even know that the injury occurred. This was explored again when he went into the Navy and had physical exams etc. Also wanted to note that is high school he seemed to love to get it fights...he wouldn't pick fights but he would volunteer anytime he had a chance and he fought very, very violently...would have to be stopped. He is a smaller guy...about 5'8" but would fight huge guys without any fear and never a loss. If fact twice before going into the navy he had broken his hand hitting another guy once, a wall a second time...then 6 weeks into the navy he was in the brig with another broken hand from a fight. Question: He controls this behavior when he wants two. It is unique to only me and his mother. Two years ago he acted out this way with his wife (screaming, yelling, hitting walls) but after one year separation and near divorce he has now reconciled with her...they attend church together etc.

We are both Realtors and he never, ever loses his composure with customers...in fact, while his marriage was disintegrating I advised his to try to treats his wife with as much respect as he gives a customer.

One other factor I want to mention...when he was a child I traveled extensively, usually leaving on Tuesdays returning Thursday night. I often wander if part of this has to do with a power struggle for his mothers attention as I was actually coming into and then leaving the family structure. He also has two sisters, one older, one younger. All three were very "high achievers"...L. was class president all four year of High school but his younger sister was amazingly brilliant...she is now a Dr. at Vandy...she has an MD Phd in Genetics. Again, I often question if him having to deal with her constant achievements has caused him issues.

I have to tell you the my wife and I just went to this website: http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/EDD.html and read the characteristics of Bpd and my son demonstrates about 80% of these traits...it is amazingly on target. I recognized some of the traits in myself but only a few...I seem to think about suicide way too often...I have never acted on it and it seems to not happen so often in the last few years but I have that trait in my history. Thank you for telling me about this...I will be reading.