1. < Depression & Anxiety

How to have relationships while living with depression?

Posted by marjou @marjou, Jun 21, 2020

Need some help in coping or pointers in how to best handle relationships whether family,dating, friends. Because my depression is the constant factor every day, I isolate in a way as to not subject others to my depressive state which I have to live with but they do not. Feel it's not fair to them or they just avoid me. When to tell or not to tell someone especially if trying to date?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Depression & Anxiety Support Group.

Hank | @jesfactsmon | Nov 18, 2020
In reply to @lulu4982 "I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was a child due to a horrific..." + (show)
@lulu4982

I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was a child due to a horrific family life and never knowing what kind of a mood my father would be in or whom he would choose to pick on. I have not had an easy life; many subsequent situations of abuse have occurred, as that is normal for battered women. My first suicide attempt was at age 9 -- the last at 21. I currently take duloxitine and buspirone and that helps me a lot. I recently was diagnosed with a rare and extremely painful disease, adhesive arachnoiditis. I also suffer from fibromyalgia. It would be so easy for me to fall back down into that black pit of depression, but I refuse. I am realistic; yes, I have been dealt a terrible blow. I purposely find something to be grateful for each day. Gratitude lifts the spirits. I express my gratitude to the people who bring it and to God (as you know Him) all day long. This helps a lot. I also have two cats who bring me much joy. Happiness is a warm kitty on your lap. I would recommend a mental health animal to everyone. While biological factors are to play in depression and anxiety, we can choose how we think. My thoughts of despair have often led me into that black hole. Sometimes it was PTSD bringing to mind horrible things that happened to me which I had repressed. WE ARE STRONGER THAN WE THINK!!! Find meds that work for you. Be grateful and trust me, joy will come to you. God bless you!

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@lulu4982
Hi, I'm happy to say welcome to Connect! You sound like a true survivor. I am VERY inspired by your story as you have told a part of it here. Unlike you I grew up in a loving home. My depression must have come into the world with me as I see no reason for it in my life. It is very good that you have come through all of that deep darkness in your life to what sounds like a state of successful coping. I'd like to know how you started the journey out of the depths. Did you get counseling /therapy or did you manage your way out on your own, like me? You've been living with fibro you say, but did you have mostly okay health otherwise prior to the recently diagnosed arachnoiditis?

Thanks for your sad but uplifting tale. Best, Hank

REPLY
Erika | @erikas | Nov 19, 2020
In reply to @lulu4982 "I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was a child due to a horrific..." + (show)
@lulu4982

I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was a child due to a horrific family life and never knowing what kind of a mood my father would be in or whom he would choose to pick on. I have not had an easy life; many subsequent situations of abuse have occurred, as that is normal for battered women. My first suicide attempt was at age 9 -- the last at 21. I currently take duloxitine and buspirone and that helps me a lot. I recently was diagnosed with a rare and extremely painful disease, adhesive arachnoiditis. I also suffer from fibromyalgia. It would be so easy for me to fall back down into that black pit of depression, but I refuse. I am realistic; yes, I have been dealt a terrible blow. I purposely find something to be grateful for each day. Gratitude lifts the spirits. I express my gratitude to the people who bring it and to God (as you know Him) all day long. This helps a lot. I also have two cats who bring me much joy. Happiness is a warm kitty on your lap. I would recommend a mental health animal to everyone. While biological factors are to play in depression and anxiety, we can choose how we think. My thoughts of despair have often led me into that black hole. Sometimes it was PTSD bringing to mind horrible things that happened to me which I had repressed. WE ARE STRONGER THAN WE THINK!!! Find meds that work for you. Be grateful and trust me, joy will come to you. God bless you!

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@lulu4982 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. Your horrific family life growing up has certainly left its scars. You also have an extremely painful disease called adhesive arachnoiditis, along with fibromyalgia. Despite this your message is that, "WE ARE STRONGER THAN WE THINK!!!" You detail your gratitude practice of choosing something each day to be grateful for.

You may like the Gratitude Discussion Group linked below.

- Gratitude Discussion Group https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/gratitude-discussion-group/

May I ask more about your therapy animal? Did your therapist write a letter to "prescribe" your therapy animal?

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Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Nov 19, 2020
In reply to @lulu4982 "I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was a child due to a horrific..." + (show)
@lulu4982

I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was a child due to a horrific family life and never knowing what kind of a mood my father would be in or whom he would choose to pick on. I have not had an easy life; many subsequent situations of abuse have occurred, as that is normal for battered women. My first suicide attempt was at age 9 -- the last at 21. I currently take duloxitine and buspirone and that helps me a lot. I recently was diagnosed with a rare and extremely painful disease, adhesive arachnoiditis. I also suffer from fibromyalgia. It would be so easy for me to fall back down into that black pit of depression, but I refuse. I am realistic; yes, I have been dealt a terrible blow. I purposely find something to be grateful for each day. Gratitude lifts the spirits. I express my gratitude to the people who bring it and to God (as you know Him) all day long. This helps a lot. I also have two cats who bring me much joy. Happiness is a warm kitty on your lap. I would recommend a mental health animal to everyone. While biological factors are to play in depression and anxiety, we can choose how we think. My thoughts of despair have often led me into that black hole. Sometimes it was PTSD bringing to mind horrible things that happened to me which I had repressed. WE ARE STRONGER THAN WE THINK!!! Find meds that work for you. Be grateful and trust me, joy will come to you. God bless you!

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Hello @lulu4982,

Thank you for sharing your story of gratitude and joy in spite of your personal history of abuse and physical problems. As Erika, @erikas, mentioned in her post you would probably like Connect's Gratitude discussion group. We also have a discussion group on how pets help us. Here is the link to that group, https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/what-pets-can-do-health-and-healing/?commentsorderby=DESC&pg=2. As you look at this discussion you will see stories and pictures of beloved pets who have become emotional support animals in one way or the other.

I look forward to hearing from you again. As you feel comfortable doing so, will you post a bit more about your recovery process?

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anhedonius | @anhedonius | Dec 2, 2020

Plus one on this. I'm 67 and lonely. My REAL self is handsome, funny, interesting, good listener, loyal, resourceful, even wise sometimes. My haunted self is fearful, anxious, easily discouraged, pessimistic, ungrateful. I show the first when I meet a woman, and then torture myself asking when and how to be honest about the presence of my other side. I was just dumped by a woman after a torrid affair, because I said too much too soon and she was afraid to commit to my REAL self for fear of my haunted self. Now I'm online dating and trying to handle it differently. It's important that I remember that everyone's showing their best self at first and withholding their dark side. And everyone has a dark side. So who's to say I'm being more dishonest than they are because I don't start by blurting out all of my shortcomings, real or IMAGINED?

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4 replies
Mentor
Ginger, Volunteer Mentor | @gingerw | Dec 3, 2020
In reply to @anhedonius "Plus one on this. I'm 67 and lonely. My REAL self is handsome, funny, interesting, good..." + (show)
@anhedonius

Plus one on this. I'm 67 and lonely. My REAL self is handsome, funny, interesting, good listener, loyal, resourceful, even wise sometimes. My haunted self is fearful, anxious, easily discouraged, pessimistic, ungrateful. I show the first when I meet a woman, and then torture myself asking when and how to be honest about the presence of my other side. I was just dumped by a woman after a torrid affair, because I said too much too soon and she was afraid to commit to my REAL self for fear of my haunted self. Now I'm online dating and trying to handle it differently. It's important that I remember that everyone's showing their best self at first and withholding their dark side. And everyone has a dark side. So who's to say I'm being more dishonest than they are because I don't start by blurting out all of my shortcomings, real or IMAGINED?

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@anhedonius Welcome to Mayo Connect. As you can see, we are all patients, caregivers or family members here, and sometimes we wear more than one hat! We offer and share our experiences, what worked [or didn't], our stories.

You give very different descriptions of your real self versus haunted self. When does your haunted self present; have you done or thought about therapy work on the darker side of you? You're absolutely right, everyone has a darker side. Being aware of both sides, and how they affect you each day, helps you to see yourself truly. And gives you a starting point to address what you want to change.

Being brave and stepping in to a dating world, can be very taxing. I know it was for me, as an adult over 60! All I can say, is to be who you are. I told my husband I was on the autism spectrum before we got married, but he was not versed on it, and didn't fully comprehend how it affected me. We did not live under the same roof until 4 months after the wedding, and did a long-distance relationship prior to that. We both learned a lot about each other!
Ginger

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Hank | @jesfactsmon | Dec 4, 2020
In reply to @anhedonius "Plus one on this. I'm 67 and lonely. My REAL self is handsome, funny, interesting, good..." + (show)
@anhedonius

Plus one on this. I'm 67 and lonely. My REAL self is handsome, funny, interesting, good listener, loyal, resourceful, even wise sometimes. My haunted self is fearful, anxious, easily discouraged, pessimistic, ungrateful. I show the first when I meet a woman, and then torture myself asking when and how to be honest about the presence of my other side. I was just dumped by a woman after a torrid affair, because I said too much too soon and she was afraid to commit to my REAL self for fear of my haunted self. Now I'm online dating and trying to handle it differently. It's important that I remember that everyone's showing their best self at first and withholding their dark side. And everyone has a dark side. So who's to say I'm being more dishonest than they are because I don't start by blurting out all of my shortcomings, real or IMAGINED?

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@anhedonius
What you describe is enough to pique my interest. But not enough to know precisely what you mean by "REAL" self and "haunted" self. There are a few different ways to interpret what you describe but without more blanks filled in it would be inappropriate to comment. It sounds like you would like to know how to move forward through this so you can arrive at a point where you can have a lasting and fulfilling relationship and not be so lonely. Have you spoken to any professionals in the therapy/counseling world about these issues? That would be a good place to start if you haven't already done this, and it's never too late to start. I think you have a lot of inner exploration to do to understand yourself better. Hoping the best for you, Hank

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Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Dec 4, 2020
In reply to @anhedonius "Plus one on this. I'm 67 and lonely. My REAL self is handsome, funny, interesting, good..." + (show)
@anhedonius

Plus one on this. I'm 67 and lonely. My REAL self is handsome, funny, interesting, good listener, loyal, resourceful, even wise sometimes. My haunted self is fearful, anxious, easily discouraged, pessimistic, ungrateful. I show the first when I meet a woman, and then torture myself asking when and how to be honest about the presence of my other side. I was just dumped by a woman after a torrid affair, because I said too much too soon and she was afraid to commit to my REAL self for fear of my haunted self. Now I'm online dating and trying to handle it differently. It's important that I remember that everyone's showing their best self at first and withholding their dark side. And everyone has a dark side. So who's to say I'm being more dishonest than they are because I don't start by blurting out all of my shortcomings, real or IMAGINED?

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Hello @anhedonius. I'd like to add my welcome to you as you have recently joined Mayo Clinic Connect. You have come to a group that will compassionately support you with our own personal experiences and information on what has helped us.

I agree with what @gingerw and @jesfactsmon have posted about the importance of personal sessions with a trained therapist in order to help make the "real" self come to the surface more often than the "haunted self" which is anxious, fearful, etc. (By the way, those are really good descriptors.) Often the haunted self does seem real, doesn't it?

If you have not had an opportunity to seek one-to-one counseling yet, I would encourage you, at the very least, to look into some of the books written by Dr. David Burns. He writes about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). His workbook can be really helpful in sorting out how to deal with "haunted self." I think you would find his writings very helpful.

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anhedonius | @anhedonius | Dec 4, 2020

I've been in therapy on and off for six decades. I've currently been in therapy for three years. I've tried 25 anti-depressants and transcranial magnetic stimulation. I was going to yoga classes and meditation groups until covid, now I'm trying mostly without success to do those things on zoom or by myself. But I recently discovered a meditation app I'm trying to do daily. Everything I try is overwhelmed by the thought, Why do this, it won't work anyway, if anything would have worked it would have worked by now, etc.

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2 replies
Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Dec 4, 2020
In reply to @anhedonius "I've been in therapy on and off for six decades. I've currently been in therapy for..." + (show)
@anhedonius

I've been in therapy on and off for six decades. I've currently been in therapy for three years. I've tried 25 anti-depressants and transcranial magnetic stimulation. I was going to yoga classes and meditation groups until covid, now I'm trying mostly without success to do those things on zoom or by myself. But I recently discovered a meditation app I'm trying to do daily. Everything I try is overwhelmed by the thought, Why do this, it won't work anyway, if anything would have worked it would have worked by now, etc.

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Hello again @anhedonius, I do applaud you for all of your efforts to find some healing and peace. You have certainly worked hard to achieve results. I urge you to keep at it. You never know when a breakthrough might come about. Perhaps you will recover some distant memory that may be weighing you down or perhaps a therapist or a book will unlock a key for you in understanding why you are feeling the way you do. So keep up the good work!

In the meantime, I hope that you will keep as physically active as you can during this COVID crisis. As much as possible reach out to others by phone, email, or notes and try to help others who are also feeling lonely and downcast. There is some real healing of emotions that occur when you try to assist someone else. It is difficult to find volunteer opportunities during COVID but there are phone calls that you can make to shut-ins, etc. You might contact the NAMI organization in your area to see what they offer in the way of online support groups or phone call opportunities.

Have you tried any volunteer activities?

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Hank | @jesfactsmon | Dec 4, 2020
In reply to @anhedonius "I've been in therapy on and off for six decades. I've currently been in therapy for..." + (show)
@anhedonius

I've been in therapy on and off for six decades. I've currently been in therapy for three years. I've tried 25 anti-depressants and transcranial magnetic stimulation. I was going to yoga classes and meditation groups until covid, now I'm trying mostly without success to do those things on zoom or by myself. But I recently discovered a meditation app I'm trying to do daily. Everything I try is overwhelmed by the thought, Why do this, it won't work anyway, if anything would have worked it would have worked by now, etc.

Jump to this post

@anhedonius
Wow you really have been in therapy a lot, and since a very young age. Has it helped you? If so in what way(s)? Just very curious, and also curious what what form(s) your therapy has taken. Your pessimism about trying another new thing makes me think you have not been very happy with most of what you have tried so far. I am curious whether you have sought any help in a spiritual sense, i.e. do you have a belief in God? Hank

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