Stress/Anxiety/Insomnia/Memory Issues

@karjack Good for you! You have taken a big step, so please give yourself a big hug for doing that! Stay strong in your resolve. You may find that writing out your thoughts as you step forward will help you express yourself and clear your mind. Writings can be for yourself, no need to share them unless you want. Keep them, burn them, hide them away, any choice is good.

Under the "Just Want to Talk" group here on Mayo Connect, is a discussion on journaling that you might find interesting. "Journaling -the write stuff for you?" [Sorry I am on my tablet and cannot cut and paste from here. When I get to my computer, I will edit this response.]

EDIT: Here is the link to the journaling discussion I mentioned! https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/journaling-the-write-stuff-for-you/

You have spoken of your current husband, and his patience. Enlist his support, tell him you are embarking on a new chapter and would love his input, and be able to rely on him. I would wager it will strengthen your relationship with him.

Life is too short and fragile to be burdened like you have been. You're right, a narcissist will not realize their action affect so many.
Ginger

Hello @karjack

I've been reading some of your posts and also the responses of others. I'm glad to hear that you are looking for a therapist. The need as you said to, "go backwards all the time" is something that you can work through in therapy. As Erika, (@erikas), said these issues have lots of layers. It is rather like peeling an onion, one layer at a time. Professional support for this process will really help you!

I look forward to hearing from you again. Will you post again soon?

Hello @karjack,

It has been several days since you last posted about blocking your X so that he can't call you. How are you doing?

Have you taken any steps towards finding a therapist to help you?

follow up on not talking to my X, deep breath, and I feel better about myself most days . I have to talk myself out of feeling bad for him and his Cancer, but for heaven sake he's been dying for 10 years, he just wants pity. I know he has it, i've seen the paperwork, but really.
I also know My Husband is feeling better having me not talk to my X. Although he's not a communicator ! and as a result of this he ends up screaming at me when I need an explanation for something, it's always about money. I am always the one who initiates the conversation about WTH just happened? he says he's sorry and we start over............I'm off to go outside and breathe.

I have the same issues with my husband. No matter what I say it seems he always yells and makes me feel like I am the problem, the one at fault. For the longest time (and still learning not to take his emotions as my fault) I would be offended, try to figure out why (obsess), be defensive and apologize. He almost NEVER apologizes, since he thinks everything is my fault! Here is what my Psychiatrist suggested and I have been trying:
1. You can't help being offended by his actions - they do hurt. Acknowledge your feelings, if only silently.
2. You can't change the other person unless he wants. Accept he's not going to change.
3. Even though you are stuck and can't win, choose to Assign his behavior to God and give it to HIM to take care of.
4. This leaves your Attention to more productively think about other things and people.
5. This is a new habit that can be learned and as all habits, takes practice. The more you practice, the easier it becomes. I'm only about 40-50% there, but it is more freeing than trying to deal with it.
ACKNOWLEDGE - ACCEPT - ASSIGN - ATTENTION - AHH - PEACE!!
This is helping me - I sure hope it helps you, too! God Bless You... Sharon

I acknowledge, but I don't accept, I won't be yelled at, I was in a 20 year marriage of yelling, mental abuse and physical abuse. I won't be yelled at for any reason, it makes me feel disrespected. I let him know this. Maybe someday it will sink in. I don't think you'll get peace by sending it up to God. use your words. and if need be walk away if the yelling starts again. Tune up are necessary for everyone. Lets do this.

I was in a 17 year marriage with the last 10 years consisting of me and my daughters being yelled at or gas lit. This isn't something to put up with. I did only because of my girls. You need to get out.

I'm so sorry for what you have gone through (and are going). When I said to "accept" I think what my Doctor meant is to accept the fact that the other person is not going to change (unless he wants to) For me, accepting that fact helps me to realize that it's his problem, not mine. The biggest problem that I have is NOT taking back a situation after I've given it to GOD. So hard, but when I don't take it back, obsessing over it, is when I experience GOD's peace because I know HE can handle it a whole! lot better!! Sharon

Hi, I just read through a few of these recent posts. You guys are talking about accepting being yelled at on an ongoing basis by a self absorbed crazy person. I do not see that working. If you are with someone who has no interest in listening to you or trying to see your side of the argument then you are with someone who will end up continuing to hurt you. That relationship is worth not a thing to you. I know it is hard to leave a person who you have come to depend on for certain things (whatever they may be) but it really is not worth it ultimately. I remember saying to my wife once back in the late 70s "it's your problem" and she saw RED! And she was right. It was not "her" problem. If it is a problem with you and your spouse in your marriage then it a problem for both of you. My wife taught me SO MUCH, but I had to be humble enough to see it. I was just young and dumb and had zero experience in navigating relationships then. If your spouse does not have it in them to be humble and they just don't "get it" (my wifes frequent words to me) then you are in a dead end relationship. My two cents, in case it is worth anything for you. Best, Hank

@karjack Good for you! I can certainly see you starting to change, right in front of my eyes! YEA! [yes, in all caps, I am proud of you!] Abuse is abuse. Not all the time does it leave a physical scar. Been there, done that. And when you put your foot down and say "no more" it sounds just as strange to your own ears as it does to the abuser. You gotta be strong, practice everyday to change the habit of acknowledging but not accepting. When my husband raises his voice, many times it triggers my PTSD, and I have told him that we cannot progress in a healthy way like that.

You have helped your relationship with your current husband by blocking your ex, and encourage him to help you recover through all this. It sounds like he will be onboard to offer support.
Ginger