My perfectionist family is causing my depression even worse

Hello @aliali,

I appreciate your very honest, open post about perfectionism and the pain that it has caused you. I am not sure of your age or your situation in life, but if you live near or with your family I can see how this would make their problems with perfectionism even more difficult. Do you have other friendships that you can cultivate, outside of your family? Can you join a support group for people like yourself?

Here is an article from a magazine, Psychology Today, that deals with the problems that come out when perfectionism takes over our lives,

@hopeful33250
I am 22 years, being the youngest in the family. I live with my family. Regarding joining support group, it lacks privacy. This is why I am using this chat to write openly; you do not know who I am which is a high level of privacy. I will try to talk to a close friend about the matter. I am still looking forward to reading your ideas

@aliali
Just wondering, @aliali, and please only answer these questions as you feel comfortable doing so. Are you able to support yourself?

Have you ever read about assertiveness? It is how to express your feelings without hurting the feelings of others. If you can go to your library they might be able to suggest books on the topic. Here are some websites that discuss assertiveness,

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/assertiveness

Here are some books listed on Amazon that teach about assertiveness,
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=assertiveness&hvadid=77927890511264&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvqmt=e&tag=mh0b-20&ref=pd_sl_54fylwa0r5_e

Are you in a counseling situation now? It might help to be part of group therapy as well.

@aliali I have never been a perfectionist but know people who are . It is a tough road in life . All I can tell you is you have to love who you are before you can love others or please yourself then you can please others and Jesus wasn't a doormat so you shouldn't be either . Your still young but you should start to stand up for yourself. Please you Mom but your brothers are just that listen to them then decide if that is best for you. I may be giving you the wrong advice but for me it has worked in my psyche Self care is important for your psyche.

I am a perfectionist at heart, I internalize everything that could be critical if I don't check myself. It seems to me that you are placing a great deal of emphasis on the recognition from your family that you are living up to their expectations. I see that they do place extremely and probably overly high standards for you to reach, but it seems that you are regardless doing quite well with your own achievements. I am going to make an assumption that you are living at home by custom and not by choice, and that you do not have an option to become independent at the moment or to change your situation readily, and that is fine. Being in such a position, I myself would listen less to my family and place more worth on the external *evidence* that you are, in fact, a successful person. Yes, we may become irritated at others who fail to see us as we think we are, or actually are, but that is their issue and will probably not change much with respect to you. What is important is you see your value in yourself and for your own well-being.

Hello @guener,
You have given, @aliali, some important thoughts about valuing herself rather than being intimidated by her family's opinions of her. I hope she is able to begin the process of valuing herself without being intimidated by her family's notions.

Self esteem is the only cure from the outside critical remarks. I grew up with a perfectionist narcissist father who took all of my successful moments as his, and criticized all the others. I worked on self esteem and listened to my Mom
And friends.

Those are great examples of how you turned from perfectionism, @stsopoci. I trust that @aliali will be able to learn from your experiences. You are right when you say that developing self-esteem is the only cure from the devastation of criticism.

@hopeful33250
The answer for each question is No. I will try to get more information regarding assertiveness. I feel self-help techniques are better for me than seeking the physical help.

@hopeful33250, @aliali, Good morning. Those are great recommendations, Teresa. I think that perfectionism is also one of the OCD symptoms. My granddaughter spent 6 mos at Rogers Behavioral Center trying to get over the perfectionism demanded by her father. It is still a difficult hurdle to jump. He would often tear up an assignment that she had just spent several hours to complete, telling her it wasn't good enough. She told me in tears that she didn't think she could ever please her dad. The fact that he committed suicide when she was 15, left her with lots of guilt.

I also remember that I learned the techniques of Assertiveness Training at the University of Connecticut in the 1970s. I then taught my clients and held group sessions about the process. Glad that it is still around and helping folks. May you both have a free from suffering day. Chris